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Leaving
my Master's Family
About
a year before my master left his body, he took me on
a spiritual journey that in due time made me a stranger
to his organization. He initiated the journey by visiting
me repeatedly in dreams and occasionally in his ethereal
form. Through audible words and by intuitive transmission,
he conveyed the message that the Divine living within
him and his body were not the same. He insisted again
and again that I must quit being attached to his physical
form and to the expressions associated with it. He was
very particular in his repeated warnings that the missionary
organization he had created was out of his control.
He told me that he was about to leave his body and that
I must be open to leaving his organization at the same
time.
This
turn of events was very much against my thinking, as
I was a fanatical devotee of his organization, the teachings
of which I thought equivalent to those of my master's
own teachings and realizations. I sometimes hoped that
the dream visitations and his intuitive communications
were a product of bad monastic cooking and my skeptical
nature.
My
master died in October of 1990 -- not in 2005 as preached
by his cult. His physical departure brought a great
sense of relief to me. It freed my heart of that painful
contradiction between his personal messages to me and
the official communications attributed to him by his
organization.
But
after some time, I became overwhelmed by a profound
sense of loss and grief -- I had lost everything: my
friend, my "parent," my mentor, my master. At the time
of his death, I did not know that it would take me five
years to come to grips with his departure from my life
and eight years to truly say that there was no more
emotional pain.
Then
there was an experience that profoundly disturbed my
sense of identity and made me fear that I was becoming
an egomaniac. When my master left his body, I felt that
the Divinity within him was entering me. This sensation
was overwhelmingly strong and was not of my imagination
-- I clearly remember being amazed, alarmed, confused
and satisfied (all at the same time) about the continual
process of his Being entering my body and my mind, ripping
my soul's identification with mind and body apart. This
sensation was particularly palpable when I ambled around
his body lying in state in the waiting room of his house.
(That same room where I met him alive only a few days
ago!) It peaked when we monks waited with lay disciples
and newspaper reporters while his body was being consumed
by the final flames of cremation. This inner event ended
a few days after. Several other close disciples, both
monastic and lay, reported experiences similar to mine.
(There are many extant tantric texts that describe similar
experiences by disciples after their guru's passing.)
Being
overwhelmed by feelings of loss and by the emerging
realization of my deeper identity with the Divine overshadowed
the increasing feeling that, with his death, there was
little left for me to do in my master's missionary organization.
With my master's death, the easily accessible physical
medium for the Universal Teacher Principle was lost.
At the time, no one in his organization dared to replace
him in his role. By that time, however, I had already
received enough spiritual lessons to take me to the
Destination; and my interpretation of the movements
of the Spirit were as good as of any other monk or nun,
even if my abilities were yet to mature.
Once
again, I pulled myself from the comfort of my now unproductive
attachment and forced myself to refocus and recall the
initial purpose of joining my master's organization.
I had wanted to know the Divine and serve Its creation.
I had apprenticed with my master in order to absorb
his knowledge and to know his being -- make it my own
and then share it with humanity. (Whether or not that
purpose was accomplished by the time of his death is
unclear, as I was young and emotionally immature when
he left his body.)
Nonetheless,
remaining in a leaderless organization was not an option,
however overwhelming my attachment to the group was
and however practical the comfort of the group's logistical
support was. Thus, I had to face another loss -- this
time of my spiritual family. In any case, I needed more
space than my master's organization could provide.
Copyright
1991-1999 Abhidhyan Yoga Institute, Inc. All rights
reserved.
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