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Teaching
Again
Immediately
after my master's sweet nightly visit, I began losing
my fixation on both my small self -- that precious "me"
each of us so cherish and its addiction to self-referential
thinking. The way I felt, thought, and, especially,
taught -- in fact, everything in my life -- gradually
changed, and changed radically.
Self-referential
thinking -- that constant mental comparing of ourselves
to others, of the present situation to past experience
and the constant scheming for self-gain -- is a natural
human phenomenon, but it is rooted in fear, which is
based on the delusion that each of us has a fixed personality
(and identity) and on the false hope that we can prevent
its eventual disintegration. Self-referential thinking
lies at the foundation of all human troubles, as it
makes us react to the present based on the past rather
than simply be in and savor the moment -- that precious
present moment -- which is all that we truly "have"
in this life. As self-referential thinking abates, fear
and attachment to one's personality begins its natural
death, which allows the natural joy of life to surface
and shine unrestrained. And so it was for me -- a remarkable
and unexpected experience, which is not over yet...
As
my mind became free of time-consuming self-preoccupation,
I started perceiving realities beyond the clouds of
my mind. Gradually, I began noticing a clear separation
between the Self and the thoughts and emotions that
were associated with It, and which I used to call "myself."
This in itself led to lesser and lesser attachment to,
dependence on, and influence from the thoughts and emotions
that used to push and pull me in so many directions.
Soon,
emotional lows completely ceased to trouble me. I might
feel emotionally tired but never melancholy or depressed.
Increasingly, I felt a profound sense of inner satisfaction.
I actually found contentment...
Being
satisfied and content and unidentified with my emotions
and thoughts led me to realize that I have always been
Conscious Bliss Absolute. I had always been Divine Spirit,
ever abiding in Bliss, forever taking on a multitude
of forms. Yet I had somehow ignored this (now) self-evident
fact.
My
meditation practice transformed itself into a continual
offering thanks to God for all good things. And that
led me to even greater lightness and joy in my heart.
Now my yoga practice is that of trust in Providence.
These
accomplishments, which are not mine to claim but are
truly the Lord's Gift, are more than I had ever expected
-- especially in so few years! I am so completely satisfied
that I have nothing more to look forward to, nor do
I have the need to "look forward"! It is liberating!
Although I am by no means permanently established in
this state, what a rare joy to be able to say honestly
and without reservation: "Even if I die now, I will
die satisfied."
Along
with the above-described realizations, new teachings
started to form in my mind. These were no longer based
on the intellectual interpretations of my master's ideas
or the ideas I had read elsewhere or heard from others,
but on the direct experience of the states beyond the
mind where the Universal Teacher Principle resides.
(No intellectual activity can result in spiritual realization.)
I
began by writing the teachings down in Russian and then
translating them into English. Eventually I would write
them down in English first. My new writings were simple,
a bit disorganized intellectually (which was irritating
to my intellectual sensibilities), and doctrinally a
little off-beat (which appeased the rebel in me). Yet,
many experienced teachers that I engaged to keep an
eye on me confirmed my writings' spiritual integrity.
In such a way, I began a second service and outreach
phase in my life.
Copyright
1991-1999 Abhidhyan Yoga Institute, Inc. All rights
reserved.
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