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Pilgrimage to Self
Page 21

by Jinendra Swami

Copyright 1999 Jinendra Swami.

Jinendra Swami welcomes all queries from genuine seekers. His email address is jinendra@yahoo.com. His website is here.

 

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Pilgrimage to Self


Would you like to take pilgrimage to Self? 
If yes,
Then just walk with me as 'I'
  holding the hand of my guru -- the Awareness
Let's journey together 
  through space and time and then beyond

Now that 'Alok' and 'Kalpak'
Have taken responsibility for their own destiny
Now that 'Shaku' and 'others related' 
  are on their own course of life
There's nothing to do
I know 
The 'Source' takes care of everyone's needs
What else shall I do?
What else shall I create?
What else should I achieve?

As I sit doing nothing
Relaxed with no care of the world 
Brooding, pondering, and speculating 
Suddenly a thought just flashed by
Who is this 'i'?
It's better to know this  'i'
As it seems to be 
   the root cause of all my questions 
Thus began my pilgrimage to Self    

Sitting alone in 'solitude' 
  which is different than just being alone
The mind is at peace 
  but with this one desire
To find
'Who is the questioner within me?

For hours I would sit there like an idiot
Doing nothing 
Simply observing my mind
But with no desire to find the answer 

I don't know 'what' protected me
  from the deadly virus called 'Excuse'
The power of  'Grace' protected me 
  from the tamasic negative energy of Laziness

In the beginning of my sadhana 
I did not understand what 'surrender' is 
I used it as a 'peg'
   to hang all my minds problems on it
Until I realized 
I was using surrender
  to escape from my own mind
I observed my mind, to find where from it arise
I realized the futility, as I was making efforts
So in utter helplessness, I surrendered  'it 'in my prayer

I was not concerned with 'what Reality is'
The focus of my Awareness was always on 'what is Reality'
Like a fish 'immersed' in water
   knows not the reality outside the water

I observed that in my daily life    
I too am always 'immersed' in the world of senses
Unaware of the Reality outside this world of senses
  
My mind is continuously being caught up
   in the surrounding stimulies of the world
These stimulies causes mind to constantly create
   and build dynamic models of my world
But at times
   with my Awareness focused 'within' 
There was this great feeling
   of being completely 'Un -immersed'

In my sadhana 
I kept moving from place to place 
In search of  'right environment'
Until my Awareness revealed to me 
My mind is my ' true environment'
In my daily life
I Watched my own motives
  in all my 'actions'
I found that the mind
  is the wrong instrument to use for actions 
Instead it's Awareness that works wonders

In my sadhana 
I realized, it's not what I do 
   but what I stop doing that matters 
There was nothing to be changed
   but simply my attitude 
Which required no conscious efforts
   but simple Awareness

In my sadhana
I did not follow any procedure
  or methods or steps or routines    
It was simply through my own Awareness 
  I began to lose my self-importance 
I Realized that Pure Awareness is my inner 'guru'
The ever present 'guru' is always with me 
   helping me curtail my self-importance  

I realized Outside guru is needed 
  as long as I am 'Bahirmukhi' 
My Awareness is my guru
  when I become 'Antarmukhi'

In the very beginning of my sadhana
At times, I had doubts 
Then 'Dada (Shaha)' came to my rescue 
His understanding of different 'faiths'
   and clear perception of the truth in scriptures
Helped me overcome the confusion in my mind

In my sadhana
I also read many scriptures 
  and books of different 'faiths' 
But there was still no clarity of the 'doubtful' 

As I continued my sadhana 
My yearning to seek the doubtless continued 
Until I realized
Why bother about the doubtful or doubtless 
When I don't even know
    'who is the doubter'?

In my sadhana 
I had no problem of not having time 
For I needed hardly any time 
  for this 'person' and it's daily needs    

In my sadhana
With focused Awareness I looked
   at my own individual personality
   to know the 'person' I call  'self '
But how could I catch the ever changing 'person'?
I did not give up 
  and continued with focused Awareness 
Until I Realized the Fact
'I  am' is not the 'person' 
This experience of not being the 'person' 
Automatically led to experiencing freedom 
For the first time 
My consciousness in the waking state
Experienced the bliss of not being a 'person'

In my sadhana
I experienced existence without body
Which definitely brought detachment to my body 
The experience also eliminated the fear of death 
But is it going to stop the cycle of birth and death?

In my sadhana
At times in heightened state of Awareness 
There's something that happened to my perception 
It lead to serene aloofness and hardened detachment 
Which slowly and naturally
   became my normal behavior

In this changed perception, when I 'See' the world
 I 'see' like a video camera 
The camera sees and registers everything 
  without judgment or evaluation or any opinion 
And when it focuses on another view
It lingers not on the past views 
  nor is it constrained by previous angle-of-view  
But is at once free and fresh
  to register the next impression as they come

Mind's nature being impermanent 
It tends to constantly 'anchor' itself 
As the 'anchor' itself is transitory 
It keeps moving from 'anchor' to 'anchor' 
Until it comes to rest
When it finds a permanent 'anchor ' --  the 'Self '

'Silence' is the meditation, to know what ' Silence' is 
In the silence of  'the void' is this 'no-thing'
   that stands alone, changeless, here and now
I know nothing like it nor can I name it 
Should I also call it  'IT', 'That', 'Atman' or 'Self '?
I did not create 'IT '
  nor do I find any beginning or end of  'IT'
'IT' just remains suspended, 
   all motionless and still
   in calm, and in silence I cannot describe 

Though life is interdependence
The Awareness is free and independent now 
To test this independence
My mind 'let go' all I was dependent on

And to my surprise I found
  that I can be with life the way it is
For 'IT' is inseparable from Life 

Is this the end of my pilgrimage to Self ? 
My journey has not ended but just begun
    from Enlightenment to the point of no return

These words are simply to create the urge in you
And help you take - the First step   
You too can in this life itself 
Choose consciously to take pilgrimage to 'Self '
Have faith and trust in your 'Guru ' 
Begin now,  your journey to discover the 'Self '

Your mind must flip and take a somersault
Walk away from these words 
   towards the Reality that exists without these words 
Oh please
Don't turn words into ideas, beliefs, and concepts 
Find 'that'  which is greater than all Wisdom

Be Alert   ...   Be Aware
Choose to move away from all ideas and concepts  
Only that Truth which you discover yourself
Will be of any use to you, on this pilgrimage to 'Self '

Be aware and perceive rightly
Then the words come alive and become meaningful
If not, they are like writings on water
Soon to disappear into meaninglessness!!

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