|I AM REMINDED
of the fateful day of twenty-first March, 1953. For many
lives I had been working -- working upon myself, struggling,
doing whatsoever can be done -- and nothing was happening.
Now I understand
why nothing was happening. The very effort was the barrier,
the very ladder was preventing, the very urge to seek
was the obstacle. Not that one can reach without seeking.
Seeking is needed, but then comes a point when seeking
has to be dropped. The boat is needed to cross the river
but then comes a moment when you have to get out of
the boat and forget all about it and leave it behind.
Effort is needed, without effort nothing is possible.
And also only with effort, nothing is possible.
twenty-first March, 1953, seven days before, I stopped
working on myself. A moment comes when you see the whole
futility of effort. You have done all that you can do
and nothing is happening. You have done all that is
humanly possible. Then what else can you do? In sheer
helplessness one drops all search.
day the search stopped, the day I was not seeking for
something, the day I was not expecting something to
happen, it started happening. A new energy arose --
out of nowhere. It was not coming from any source. It
was coming from nowhere and everywhere. It was in the
trees and in the rocks and the sky and the sun and the
air -- it was everywhere. And I was seeking so hard,
and I was thinking it is very far away. And it was so
near and so close.
I was seeking I had become incapable of seeing the near.
Seeking is always for the far, seeking is always for
the distant -- and it was not distant. I had become
far-sighted, I had lost the near-sightedness. The eyes
had become focussed on the far away, the horizon, and
they had lost the quality to see that which is just
close, surrounding you.
effort ceased, I also ceased. Because you cannot exist
without effort, and you cannot exist without desire,
and you cannot exist without striving.
of the ego, of the self, is not a thing, it is a process.
It is not a substance sitting there inside you; you
have to create it each moment. It is like pedalling
bicycle. If you pedal it goes on and on, if you don't
pedal it stops. It may go a little because of the past
momentum, but the moment you stop pedalling, in fact
the bicycle starts stopping. It has no more energy,
no more power to go anywhere. It is going to fall and
exists because we go on pedalling desire, because we
go on striving to get something, because we go on jumping
ahead of ourselves. That is the very phenomenon of the
ego -- the jump ahead of yourself, the jump in the future,
the jump in the tomorrow. The jump in the non-existential
creates the ego. Because it comes out of the non-existential
it is like a mirage. It consists only of desire and
nothing else. It consists only of thirst and nothing
is not in the present, it is in the future. If you are
in the future, then ego seems to be very substantial.
If you are in the present the ego is a mirage, it starts
I stopped seeking... and it is not right to say that
I stopped seeking, better will be to say the day seeking
stopped. Let me repeat it: the better way to say it
is the day the seeking stopped. Because if I stop it
then I am there again. Now stopping becomes my effort,
now stopping becomes my desire, and desire goes on existing
in a very subtle way.
stop desire; you can only understand it. In the very
understanding is the stopping of it. Remember, nobody
can stop desiring, and the reality happens only when
is the dilemma. What to do? Desire is there and Buddhas
go on saying desire has to be stopped, and they go on
saying in the next breath that you cannot stop desire.
So what to do? You put people in a dilemma. They are
in desire, certainly. You say it has to be stopped --
okay. And then you say it cannot be stopped. Then what
is to be done?
has to be understood. You can understand it, you can
just see the futility of it. A direct perception is
needed, an immediate penetration is needed. Look into
desire, just see what it is, and you will see the falsity
of it, and you will see it is non-existential. And desire
drops and something drops simultaneously within you.
and the ego exist in cooperation, they coordinate. The
ego cannot exist without desire, the desire cannot exist
without the ego. Desire is projected ego, ego is introjected
desire. They are together, two aspects of one phenomenon.
desiring stopped, I felt very hopeless and helpless.
No hope because no future. Nothing to hope because all
hoping has proved futile, it leads nowhere. You go in
rounds. It goes on dangling in front of you, it goes
on creating new mirages, it goes on calling you, 'Come
on, run fast, you will reach.' But howsoever fast you
run you never reach.
why Buddha calls it a mirage. It is like the horizon
that you see around the earth. It appears but it is
not there. If you go it goes on running from you. The
faster you run, the faster it moves away. The slower
you go, the slower it moves away. But one thing is certain
-- the distance between you and the horizon remains
absolutely the same. Not even a single inch can you
reduce the distance between you and the horizon.
reduce the distance between you and your hope. Hope
is horizon. You try to bridge yourself with the horizon,
with the hope, with a projected desire. The desire is
a bridge, a dream bridge -- because the horizon exists
not, so you cannot make a bridge towards it, you can
only dream about the bridge. You cannot be joined with
the desire stopped, the day I looked and realized into
it, it simply was futile. I was helpless and hopeless.
But that very moment something started happening. The
same started happening for which for many lives I was
working and it was not happening.
hopelessness is the only hope, and in your desirelessness
is your only fulfillment, and in your tremendous helplessness
suddenly the whole existence starts helping you.
It is waiting.
When it sees that you are working on your own, it does
not interfere. It waits. It can wait infinitely because
there is no hurry for it. It is eternity. The moment
you are not on your own, the moment you drop, the moment
you disappear, the whole existence rushes towards you,
enters you. And for the first time things start happening.
I lived in a very hopeless and helpless state, but at
the same time something was arising. When I say hopeless
I don't mean what you mean by the word hopeless. I simply
mean there was no hope in me. Hope was absent. I am
not saying that I was hopeless and sad. I was happy
in fact, I was very tranquil, calm and collected and
centered. Hopeless, but in a totally new meaning. There
was no hope, so how could there be hopelessness. Both
was absolute and total. Hope had disappeared and with
it its counterpart, hopelessness, had also disappeared.
It was a totally new experience -- of being without
hope. It was not a negative state. I have to use words
-- but it was not a negative state. It was absolutely
positive. It was not just absence, a presence was felt.
Something was overflowing in me, overflooding me.
I say I was helpless, I don't mean the word in the dictionary-sense.
I simply say I was selfless. That's what I mean when
I say helpless. I have recognized the fact that I am
not, so I cannot depend on myself, so I cannot stand
on my own ground -- there was no ground underneath.
I was in an abyss... bottomless abyss. But there was
no fear because there was nothing to protect. There
was no fear because there was nobody to be afraid.
days were of tremendous transformation, total transformation.
And the last day the presence of a totally new energy,
a new light and new delight, became so intense that
it was almost unbearable -- as if I was exploding, as
if I was going mad with blissfulness. The new generation
in the West has the right word for it -- I was blissed
impossible to make any sense out of it, what was happening.
It was a very non-sense world -- difficult to figure
it out, difficult to manage in categories, difficult
to use words, languages, explanations. All scriptures
appeared dead and all the words that have been used
for this experience looked very pale, anaemic. This
was so alive. It was like a tidal wave of bliss.
day was strange, stunning, and it was a shattering experience.
The past was disappearing, as if it had never belonged
to me, as if I had read about it somewhere, as if I
had dreamed about it, as if it was somebody else's story
I have heard and somebody told it to me. I was becoming
loose from my past, I was being uprooted from my history,
I was losing my autobiography. I was becoming a non-being,
what Buddha calls anatta. Boundaries were disappearing,
distinctions were disappearing.
disappearing; it was millions of miles away. It was
difficult to catch hold of it, it was rushing farther
and farther away, and there was no urge to keep it close.
I was simply indifferent about it all. It was okay.
There was no urge to remain continuous with the past.
evening it became so difficult to bear it -- it was
hurting, it was painful. It was like when a woman goes
into labour when a child is to be born, and the woman
suffers tremendous pain -- the birth pangs.
to go to sleep in those days near about twelve or one
in the night, but that day it was impossible to remain
awake. My eyes were closing, it was difficult to keep
them open. Something was very imminent, something was
going to happen. It was difficult to say what it was
-- maybe it is going to be my death -- but there was
no fear. I was ready for it. Those seven days had been
so beautiful that I was ready to die, nothing more was
needed. They had been so tremendously blissful, I was
so contented, that if death was coming, it was welcome.
was going to happen -- something like death, something
very drastic, something which will be either a death
or a new birth, a crucifixion or a resurrection -- but
something of tremendous import was around just by the
corner. And it was impossible to keep my eyes open.
I was drugged.
to sleep near about eight. It was not like sleep. Now
I can understand what Patanjali means when he says that
sleep and samadhi are similar. Only with one difference
-- that in samadhi you are fully awake and asleep also.
Asleep and awake together, the whole body relaxed, every
cell of the body totally relaxed, all functioning relaxed,
and yet a light of awareness burns within you... clear,
smokeless. You remain alert and yet relaxed, loose but
fully awake. The body is in the deepest sleep possible
and your consciousness is at its peak. The peak of consciousness
and the valley of the body meet.
to sleep. It was a very strange sleep. The body was
asleep, I was awake. It was so strange -- as if one
was torn apart into two directions, two dimensions;
as if the polarity has become completely focused, as
if I was both the polarities together... the positive
and negative were meeting, sleep and awareness were
meeting, death and life were meeting. That is the moment
when you can say 'the creator and the creation meet.'
weird. For the first time it shocks you to the very
roots, it shakes your foundations. You can never be
the same after that experience; it brings a new vision
to your life, a new quality.
twelve my eyes suddenly opened -- I had not opened them.
The sleep was broken by something else. I felt a great
presence around me in the room. It was a very small
room. I felt a throbbing life all around me, a great
vibration -- almost like a hurricane, a great storm
of light, joy, ecstasy. I was drowning in it.
so tremendously real that everything became unreal.
The walls of the room became unreal, the house became
unreal, my own body became unreal. Everything was unreal
because now there was for the first time reality.
why when Buddha and Shankara say the world is maya,
a mirage, it is difficult for us to understand. Because
we know only this world, we don't have any comparison.
This is the only reality we know. What are these people
talking about -- this is maya, illusion? This is the
only reality. Unless you come to know the really real,
their words cannot be understood, their words remain
theoretical. They look like hypotheses. Maybe this man
is propounding a philosophy -- 'The world is unreal'.
in the West said that the world is unreal, he was walking
with one of his friends, a very logical man; the friend
was almost a skeptic. He took a stone from the road
and hit Berkley's feet hard. Berkley screamed, blood
rushed out, and the skeptic said, 'Now, the world is
unreal? You say the world is unreal? -- then why did
you scream? This stone is unreal? -- then why did you
scream? Then why are you holding your leg and why are
you showing so much pain and anguish on your face. Stop
this? It is all unreal.
type of man cannot understand what Buddha means when
he says the world is a mirage. He does not mean that
you can pass through the wall. He is not saying this
-- that you can eat stones and it will make no difference
whether you eat bread or stones. He is not saying that.
He is saying
that there is a reality. Once you come to know it, this
so-called reality simply pales out, simply becomes unreal.
With a higher reality in vision the comparison arises,
dream; the dream is real. You dream every night. Dream
is one of the greatest activities that you go on doing.
If you live sixty years, twenty years you will sleep
and almost ten years you will dream. Ten years in a
life -- nothing else do you do so much. Ten years of
continuous dreaming -- just think about it. And every
night.... And every morning you say it was unreal, and
again in the night when you dream, dream becomes real.
In a dream
it is so difficult to remember that this is a dream.
But in the morning it is so easy. What happens? You
are the same person. In the dream there is only one
reality. How to compare? How to say it is unreal? Compared
to what? It is the only reality. Everything is as unreal
as everything else so there is no comparison. In the
morning when you open your eyes another reality is there.
Now you can say it was all unreal. Compared to this
reality, dream becomes unreal.
an awakening -- compared to THAT reality of THAT awakening,
this whole reality becomes unreal.
for the first time I understood the meaning of the word
maya. Not that I had not known the word before, not
that I was not aware of the meaning of the word. As
you are aware, I was also aware of the meaning -- but
I had never understood it before. How can you understand
another reality opened its door, another dimension became
available. Suddenly it was there, the other reality,
the separate reality, the really real, or whatsoever
you want to call it -- call it god, call it truth, call
it dhamma, call it tao, or whatsoever you will. It was
nameless. But it was there -- so opaque, so transparent,
and yet so solid one could have touched it. It was almost
suffocating me in that room. It was too much and I was
not yet capable of absorbing it.
urge arose in me to rush out of the room, to go under
the sky -- it was suffocating me. It was too much! It
will kill me! If I had remained a few moments more,
it would have suffocated me -- it looked like that.
out of the room, came out in the street. A great urge
was there just to be under the sky with the stars, with
the trees, with the earth... to be with nature. And
immediately as I came out, the feeling of being suffocated
disappeared. It was too small a place for such a big
phenomenon. Even the sky is a small place for that big
phenomenon. It is bigger than the sky. Even the sky
is not the limit for it. But then I felt more at ease.
towards the nearest garden. It was a totally new walk,
as if gravitation had disappeared. I was walking, or
I was running, or I was simply flying; it was difficult
to decide. There was no gravitation, I was feeling weightless
-- as if some energy was taking me. I was in the hands
of some other energy.
first time I was not alone, for the first time I was
no more an individual, for the first time the drop has
come and fallen into the ocean. Now the whole ocean
was mine, I was the ocean. There was no limitation.
A tremendous power arose as if I could do anything whatsoever.
I was not there, only the power was there.
to the garden where I used to go every day. The garden
was closed, closed for the night. It was too late, it
was almost one o'clock in the night. The gardeners were
fast asleep. I had to enter the garden like a thief,
I had to climb the gate. But something was pulling me
towards the garden. It was not within my capacity to
prevent myself. I was just floating.
what I mean when I say again and again 'float with the
river, don't push the river'. I was relaxed, I was in
a let-go. I was not there. IT was there, call it god
-- god was there.
like to call it IT, because god is too human a word,
and has become too dirty by too much use, has become
too polluted by so many people. Christians, Hindus,
Mohammedans, priests and politicians -- they all have
corrupted the beauty of the word. So let me call it
IT. IT was there and I was just carried away... carried
by a tidal wave.
I entered the garden everything became luminous, it
was all over the place -- the benediction, the blessedness.
I could see the trees for the first time -- their green,
their life, their very sap running. The whole garden
was asleep, the trees were asleep. But I could see the
whole garden alive, even the small grass leaves were
around. One tree was tremendously luminous -- the maulshree
tree. It attracted me, it pulled me towards itself.
I had not chosen it, god himself has chosen it. I went
to the tree, I sat under the tree. As I sat there things
started settling. The whole universe became a benediction.
It is difficult
to say how long I was in that state. When I went back
home it was four o'clock in the morning, so I must have
been there by clock time at least three hours -- but
it was infinity. It had nothing to do with clock time.
It was timeless.
hours became the whole eternity, endless eternity. There
was no time, there was no passage of time; it was the
virgin reality -- uncorrupted, untouchable, unmeasurable.
day something happened that has continued -- not as
a continuity -- but it has still continued as an undercurrent.
Not as a permanency -- each moment it has been happening
again and again. It has been a miracle each moment.
and since that night I have never been in the body.
I am hovering around it. I became tremendously powerful
and at the same time very fragile. I became very strong,
but that strength is not the strength of a Mohammed
Ali. That strength is not the strength of a rock, that
strength is the strength of a rose flower -- so fragile
in his strength... so fragile, so sensitive, so delicate.
will be there, the flower can go any moment, but still
the flower is stronger than the rock because it is more
alive. Or, the strength of a dewdrop on a leaf of grass
just shining; in the morning sun -- so beautiful, so
precious, and yet can slip any moment. So incomparable
in its grace, but a small breeze can come and the dewdrop
can slip and be lost forever.
have a strength which is not of this world. Their strength
is totally of love... Like a rose flower or a dewdrop.
Their strength is very fragile, vulnerable. Their strength
is the strength of life not of death. Their power is
not of that which kills; their power is of that which
creates. Their power is not of violence, aggression;
their power is that of compassion.
But I have
never been in the body again, I am just hovering around
the body. And that's why I say it has been a tremendous
miracle. Each moment I am surprised I am still here,
I should not be. I should have left any moment, still
I am here. Every morning I open my eyes and I say, 'So,
again I am still here?' Because it seems almost impossible.
The miracle has been a continuity.
other day somebody asked a question -- 'Osho, you are
getting so fragile and delicate and so sensitive to
the smells of hair oils and shampoos that it seems we
will not be able to see you unless we all go bald.'
By the way, nothing is wrong with being bald -- bald
is beautiful. Just as 'black is beautiful', so 'bald
is beautiful'. But that is true and you have to be careful
I am fragile,
delicate and sensitive. That is my strength. If you
throw a rock at a flower nothing will happen to the
rock, the flower will be gone. But still you cannot
say that the rock is more powerful than the flower.
The flower will be gone because the flower was alive.
And the rock -- nothing will happen to it because it
is dead. The flower will be gone because the flower
has no strength to destroy. The flower will simply disappear
and give way to the rock. The rock has a power to destroy
because the rock is dead.
since that day I have never been in the body really;
just a delicate thread joins me with the body. And I
am continuously surprised that somehow the whole must
be willing me to be here, because I am no more here
with my own strength, I am no more here on my own. It
must be the will of the whole to keep me here, to allow
me to linger a little more on this shore. Maybe the
whole wants to share something with you through me.
day the world is unreal. Another world has been revealed.
When I say the world is unreal I don't mean that these
trees are unreal. These trees are absolutely real --
but the way you see these trees is unreal. These trees
are not unreal in themselves -- they exist in god, they
exist in absolute reality -- but the way you see them
you never see them; you are seeing something else, a
your own dream around you and unless you become awake
you will continue to dream. The world is unreal because
the world that you know is the world of your dreams.
When dreams drop and you simply encounter the world
that is there, then the real world.
not two things, god and the world. God is the world
if you have eyes, clear eyes, without any dreams, without
any dust of the dreams, without any haze of sleep; if
you have clear eyes, clarity, perceptiveness, there
is only god.
god is a green tree, and somewhere else god is a shining
star, and somewhere else god is a cuckoo, and somewhere
else god is a flower, and somewhere else a child and
somewhere else a river -- then only god is. The moment
you start seeing, only god is.
now whatsoever you see is not the truth, it is a projected
lie. That is the meaning of a mirage. And once you see,
even for a single split moment, if you can see, if you
can allow yourself to see, you will find immense benediction
present all over, everywhere -- in the clouds, in the
sun, on the earth.
a beautiful world. But I am not talking about your world,
I am talking about my world. Your world is very ugly,
your world is your world created by a self, your world
is a projected world. You are using the real world as
a screen and projecting your own ideas on it.
say the world is real, the world is tremendously beautiful,
the world is luminous with infinity, the world is light
and delight, it is a celebration, I mean my world --
or your world if you drop your dreams.
drop your dreams you see the same world as any Buddha
has ever seen. When you dream you dream privately. Have
you watched it? -- that dreams are private. You cannot
share them even with your beloved. You cannot invite
your wife to your dream -- or your husband, or your
friend. You cannot say, 'Now, please come tonight in
my dream. I would like to see the dream together.' It
is not possible. Dream is a private thing, hence it
is illusory, it has no objective reality.
a universal thing. Once you come out of your private
dreams, it is there. It has been always there. Once
your eyes are clear, a sudden illumination -- suddenly
you are overflooded with beauty, grandeur and grace.
That is the goal, that is the destiny.
repeat. Without effort you will never reach it, with
effort nobody has ever reached it. You will need great
effort, and only then there comes a moment.when effort
becomes futile. But it becomes futile only when you
have come to the very peak of it, never before it. When
you have come to the very pinnacle of your effort --
all that you can do you have done -- then suddenly there
is no need to do anything any more. You drop the effort.
can drop it in the middle, it can be dropped only at
the extreme end. So go to the extreme end if you want
to drop it. Hence I go on insisting: make as much effort
as you can, put your whole energy and total heart in
it, so that one day you can see -- now effort is not
going to lead me anywhere. And that day it will not
be you who will drop the effort, it drops on its own
accord. And when it drops on its own accord, meditation
is not a result of your efforts, meditation is a happening.
When your efforts drop, suddenly meditation is there...
the benediction of it, the blessedness of it, the glory
of it. It is there like a presence... luminous, surrounding
you and surrounding everything. It fills the whole earth
and the whole sky.
cannot be created by human effort. Human effort is too
limited. That blessedness is so infinite. You cannot
manipulate it. It can happen only when you are in a
tremendous surrender. When you are not there only then
it can happen. When you are a no-self -- no desire,
not going anywhere -- when you are just herenow, not
doing anything in particular, just being, it happens.
And it comes in waves and the waves become tidal. It
comes like a storm, and takes you away into a totally
you have to do all that you can do, and then you have
to learn non-doing. The doing of the non-doing is the
greatest doing, and the effort of effortlessness is
the greatest effort.
that you create by chanting a mantra or by sitting quiet
and still and forcing yourself, is a very mediocre meditation.
It is created by you, it cannot be bigger than you.
It is homemade, and the maker is always bigger than
the made. You have made it by sitting, forcing in a
yoga posture, chanting 'rama, rama, rama' or anything
-- 'blah, blah, blah' -- anything. You have forced the
mind to become still.
It is a
forced stillness. It is not that quiet that comes when
you are not there. It is not that silence which comes
when you are almost non-existential. It is not that
beautitude which descends on you like a dove.
It is said
when Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist in the Jordan
River, god descended in him, or the holy ghost descended
in him like a dove. Yes, that is exactly so. When you
are not there peace descends in you... fluttering like
a dove... reaches in your heart and abides there and
abides there forever.
your undoing, you are the barrier. Meditation is when
the meditator is not. When the mind ceases with all
its activities -- seeing that they are futile -- then
the unknown penetrates you, overwhelms you.
must cease for god to be. Knowledge must cease for knowing
to be. You must disappear, you must give way. You must
become empty, then only you can be full.
I became empty and became full. I became non-existential
and became existence. That night I died and was reborn.
But the one that was reborn has nothing to do with that
which died, it is a discontinuous thing. On the surface
it looks continuous but it is discontinuous. The one
who died, died totally; nothing of him has remained.
me, nothing of him has remained, not even a shadow.
It died totally, utterly. It is not that I am just a
modified RUP, transformed, modified form, transformed
form of the old. No, there has been no continuity. That
day of March twenty-first, the person who had lived
for many many lives, for millennia, simply died. Another
being, absolutely new, not connected at all with the
old, started to exist.
just gives you a total death. Maybe that's why the whole
day previous to that happening I was feeling some urgency
like death, as if I am going to die -- and I really
died. I have known many other deaths but they were nothing
compared to it, they were partial deaths.
the body died, sometimes a part of the mind died, sometimes
a part of the ego died, but as far as the person was
concerned, it remained. Renovated many times, decorated
many times, changed a little bit here and there, but
it remained, the continuity remained.
the death was total. It was a date with death and god
This article is reprinted with permission
from The Discipline of Transcendence, Volume 2,
Chapter 11. This book is currently out of print. The
title "My Awakening" has been added by Realization.org.
and photograph opyright © Osho International Foundation.
a twentieth-century enlightened guy who taught in India
and the United States.
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